Wednesday, 4 April 2012
TEN SPEED-DATING QUESTIONS THAT GUARANTEE YOU BAG YOURSELF A DECENT FEMALE
1 – Do you like Twilight?
You must kick off with an important question that grabs her attention, and here it is! There are really only three acceptable responses to this: She likes the books but hates the films, she only read them, or best of all she gives you a blank look, indicating she has no idea what you are referring to. If you get any other response, tell her to shush and move on.
2 – Did you enjoy Pirates of the Caribbean?
Again there are only certain responses that allow you to move forward with the conversation: She only likes the first one for entertainment value and doesn’t understand why there were any sequels, she only saw the first one, or she “can’t stand them,” preferably spat through gritted teeth! This is the best response, as it shows an intensely passionate disdain for the series over which you can bond. If you get a response indicating any sort of admiration for the series, you may as well get up and walk away; she has only wasted hours of her life on this rubbish for one reason, we all know what it is, and any opinion she would offer from here on is rendered pointless waffle. A thorough enjoyment of this series is pretty conclusive evidence that she has a vacuum where a functioning brain should be. Abort! On the assumption she gets this second question right, however, your potential partner is showing promise!
3 – Do you have children?
You’re hoping for a big no here. They get in the way, and they are a constant reminder there was someone else...it’s no good for your ego. While you’re trying to have your way with her, you don’t need her being distracted or having “more important people in her life”.
4 – Have you had a lot of sexual partners?
Once again honesty is best here, and we are really looking for a woman who is quite inexperienced, as close to a virgin as possible really. You want to know that, regardless of your experience, hers pales by comparison; you certainly don't need someone who's put it about a bit. You are going to be the man in the relationship, you are going to take charge, and the last thing we really want is someone who knows what she is doing. What’s more, a woman with a lot of sexual partners.....let’s be honest, you probably can’t trust her not to sleep with your friends.
5 - Are you highly energised, do you keep fit, and are you quite flexible?
Obviously you need someone who will provide you with some fun times in the bedroom department, and this is a good way of ascertaining whether she will in a subtle way.
6 – Do you read?
At this stage it is fair to say you might have a woman with a reasonable taste in cinema, a past that does not deflate your ego, and who is probably quite good in bed. So now we move on to her attention span, and ability to comprehend and be wrapped up in words. If she says yes, push her for a favourite book, or something she has read recently. Magazines obviously do not count! You may consider testing your lady with a couple of long words; make them a few syllables, really push her! If she does not read, you should politely advise her to move on.
7 – Are you well-educated?
Okay so you have someone not adverse to a book, but this is an important distinction: She may read, but you do not need someone who thinks herself clever! As we said before, you are the man and you will be taking charge; if anyone is going to turn to the other for the important decisions, it will be her turning to you, not the other way around. If she studied politics, humanities, or any important-sounding subjects, it is best to leave it here; you don’t need her belittling you in front of your mates, or being outspoken and wiping out any chances you have for positive social networking. If she studied something academic like English or maths to a high level, though she could come in handy in certain situations, I would still be careful. It is mildly acceptable if she studied something a bit lofty, such as the Arts or sociology. Ideally, though, she will be a bit of a dunce. Likewise, if they hold a particularly prestigious job, you may want to avoid; you don't want to be outshone.
8 – Do you talk a lot?
This speaks for itself, but clearly, as your partner, she will need to understand when to keep her opinions to herself and not embarrass you. Again honesty is the best policy.
9 – Do you have any physical disability, deformity, or any mental issues I should know about?
Obviously we are striving for perfection here, so she needs to be up front right now about her missing toe, dodgy birthmark, or any other physical defect that will reduces her rating when out in public with you. Where you draw the line is obviously down to you, but remember this woman could potentially earn the right to be on your arm, and you will be in regular competition with your friends, so you need to keep the bar set quite high! Any mental issues are probably going to creep up on and surprise you when you least expect it, so it is best you get it out of her at this point.
10 – Do you have HIV, or any sexually transmitted disease, as far as you know?
As long as the answer is a resounding no (preferably with evidence), you can tell her to grab her coat, she’s pulled!
And there you have it, simple! So get yourself along to a dating night, stick to this regime, and I guarantee you will have them lining up!